As both a Clinical Psychologist and a mum to two energetic, boisterous boys, I have stood on both sides of the playground conversation.  

I know the feeling of hearing that your child has been hurt, pushed, or hit at school. The protective instinct that rises in you as a parent is immediate and powerful. 

But I also know the very different feeling of hearing that your own child was the one who lashed out. 

And honestly, both positions are painful. 

One of my little boys, now 6, has had periods where regulating his emotions and behaviour has been genuinely difficult for him. There have been moments of overwhelm, impulsivity, and yes, hitting classmates. These moments can leave parents carrying enormous shame, fear of judgment, and awareness that other adults are quietly assessing your parenting from afar. I have received the late-night text messages asking me to magically stop this behaviour and I have been confronted at the school gates by parents requiring me to ensure it doesn’t happen again.  

So, I wanted to write this not just as a psychologist, but as a parent. I believe challenging life experiences are opportunities to improve what we have to offer the people we work with professionally, and because I feel my role is use these experiences to influence the culture of our community; we need to influence more compassion from members of our village. 

Children’s Brains Are Still Developing 

Here’s the neuropsychology: at age 6, a child’s brain is still very much “under construction.” The part of the brain responsible for impulse control, planning, emotional regulation, and stopping ourselves before acting, the prefrontal cortex, develops very slowly. In fact, it is one of the last parts of the brain to fully mature. 

I often explain this to families as the “brakes” on behaviour. At this age, those brakes are still unreliable. 

Meanwhile, the emotional centre of the brain, the amygdala, is highly active and very powerful. When children feel overwhelmed, frustrated, excluded, embarrassed, anxious, tired, overstimulated, or emotionally flooded, the emotional brain can override the thinking brain very quickly and this is where we see “fight, flight, freeze” responses. 

For some children (emphasis on not all): 

• fight looks like hitting, 
• flight looks like running away, 
• freeze looks like shutting down. 

That does not mean harmful behaviour should simply be accepted. Of course, children need boundaries, safety, accountability, and repair. But understanding why behaviour happens is essential if we actually want behaviour to change. 

Children are not born with mature regulation skills. They develop them gradually through: 

• repeated co-regulation with calm adults, 
• emotionally safe relationships, 
• modelling, 
• predictable boundaries, 
• opportunities for repair, 
• and support in the moment of overwhelm. 

It is also important to recognise that children do not all develop these skills at the same pace. One child may appear able to pause, reflect, and use words, while another of the same age may still be acting very much in the moment. This can be influenced by a range of factors, including temperament, sensory processing differences, neurodevelopmental profiles such as ADHD or autism, developmental trauma, anxiety, sleep, and overall stress levels. 

So, when we ask, “why is one child hitting and not another?” the answer is rarely simple. Often, it is about differences in how quickly those ‘brakes’ are developing, how sensitive a child’s nervous system is, and how much support they need in order to feel safe and regulated. For some children, the gap between their emotional intensity and their ability to manage it is simply wider and that is where they need more understanding, not more judgment. For my son, he is very academically able but finds navigating social relationships more difficult yet there are others in his class who excel socially but are behind academically. Neither profile is abnormal.  

Why Ages 7–9 Often Look So Different 

There is strong developmental evidence showing significant shifts in self-regulation between ages 7 and 9. 

During this stage, many children begin developing: 

• more reliable impulse control, 
• better perspective-taking, 
• improved empathy, 
• increased ability to reflect, 
• and greater capacity to pause before reacting.

This is one reason why some countries delay formal academic education until around age 7, placing greater emphasis on play, social development, movement, emotional readiness, and nervous system regulation in the early years. 

Interestingly, these approaches are associated with strong academic outcomes and positive wellbeing outcomes over time. Emotional development is not separate from learning; it is foundational to it. 

What the Evidence Says About Behaviour Support 

One of the most important things we know from developmental psychology and behavioural science is this: 

Children learn best through immediate, calm, consistent responses in the moment not through delayed shame or retrospective punishment. 

When a child has dysregulated and hit another child earlier in the day, approaching the parent angrily hours later rarely helps the child develop regulation skills. Young children’s brains are highly state-dependent. Once they are calm again, they often genuinely struggle to connect later adult anger or punishment back to the original emotional state and behaviour.

Learning is far more effective when support happens: 

• close to the behaviour, 
• with emotional containment, 
• with co-regulation, 
• and with immediate repair opportunities. 

Evidence-based approaches suggest what’s needed is calm adult intervention that helps children name feelings. Adults who are present need to support their regulation, model alternative behaviours, implement immediate and proportionate consequences and instigate restorative conversations once calm.

Approaches that tend not to support long-term regulation include: 

• public shaming, 
• humiliation, 
• exclusion, 
• parent gossip at the school gates and beyond, 
• delayed punishment, 
• adult escalation. 

Are There Differences Between Boys and Girls? 

It is also important to gently acknowledge something that often comes up in the conversations I have with parents (professionally and personally) are differences in how boys and girls may express distress or dysregulation. 

Research and clinical experience suggest that, on average, boys are more likely to externalise their emotions. This means their distress is more likely to be seen in outward behaviours such as hitting, pushing, shouting, or physical impulsivity. 

Girls, on average, are more likely to internalise distress, which may show up as withdrawal, anxiety, people-pleasing, or relational difficulties rather than overt physical behaviour. This does not mean all boys hit or all girls internalise, far from it. There is huge individual variation, and many girls show externalising behaviours, and many boys internalise their distress. However, what this does mean is that boys’ difficulties are often more visible, and therefore more likely to attract attention, concern, and sometimes judgment. 

As parents of boys, this can feel particularly exposing. Behaviour that is developmentally linked to impulsivity, movement, sensory seeking, or delayed regulation can sometimes be interpreted as intentional misbehaviour or poor parenting. 

What is often needed instead is understanding, structure, support, and time. 

Neurodivergence and Emotional Regulation 

It is also important to consider neurodivergent children within this conversation. A neuroaffirmative approach recognises that children with differences such as ADHD or autism are not ‘deficient’ but have brains that process the world differently. As a society, we are now more aware of neurodivergence as part of the rich, colourful mix of human variation. This means we may be identifying more children who are neurodivergent, or more accurately recognising needs that may previously have been missed. With that awareness comes a responsibility to understand and respond to these differences with compassion and flexibility. 

These differences can include heightened sensitivity to sensory input, differences in communication, challenges with impulse control, or a nervous system that becomes overwhelmed more quickly. 

Because of this, some neurodivergent children may be more likely to show external behaviours such as hitting, particularly when they are dysregulated, overstimulated, struggling to communicate their needs, or experiencing frustration. This is not about intentional harm or ‘naughty’ behaviour, but often about a mismatch between what is being asked of them and what their nervous system can manage in that moment. 

Many neurodivergent children do not hit at all, and many neurotypical children do. Behaviour is never explained by one factor alone. However, neurodivergent children may need more support with co-regulation, clearer communication, sensory adjustments, and adults who understand their individual profile. A neuroaffirmative approach shifts the question from “how do we stop this behaviour?” to “what is this behaviour communicating, and what support does this child need to feel safe and regulated?” 

The School Gate Can Become a Lonely Place 

When a child struggles behaviourally, parents can become socially isolated too. There can be whispered conversations, group discussions, subtle exclusion, or direct approaches from other parents outside school. It is completely understandable that parents feel upset when their child has been hurt but it is also important to recognise that parents of children who are struggling are often already: 

• seeking support, 
• attending meetings, 
• worrying constantly, 
• questioning themselves, 
• and trying incredibly hard. 

Schools have safeguarding and behaviour systems in place for a reason. Concerns are best managed through appropriate school channels and through adults who can respond in the moment. Children need adults around them to remain regulated, collaborative, and supportive not divided.

How We Can Support You 

At Serendipity Psychology Services Ltd, we work with families navigating emotional regulation difficulties, impulsivity, neurodivergence, trauma, anxiety, and school-based challenges. 

We offer: 

• parent consultations, 
• psychological and neurodevelopmental assessments, 
• therapeutic intervention, 
• attachment and developmental trauma support, 
• therapeutic parenting guidance, 
• school consultation, 
• emotional regulation strategies, 
• multidisciplinary support tailored to each family. 

Our approach is compassionate and non-judgemental because behind every dysregulated child is an overwhelmed nervous system not a “bad” child. 

And behind most overwhelmed children are parents who are doing far more than the world can see. 

Rebuilding the Village 

Perhaps instead of asking: “Why can’t that parent control their child?”, we should begin asking: “How can we support this child?” and “How can we support this family?”. Parenting was never meant to be done under scrutiny, it was meant to be done in community and right now, many parents need less judgment and more: “I’ve been there too.” “You’re not alone.” “This stage won’t last forever.” 

Let’s be each other’s village and help our children shape the world into a more compassionate place.

This piece has been written by our Clinical Lead, Dr Lauren Sayers, Clinical Psychologist and mum to three young children